Band Aid 30: If footballers recorded the charity single

Super Mario could easily feature in a footballers' super group

Band Aid 30, orchestrated by Sir Bob Geldof to help fight the scourge of ebola, has brought together a raft of modern-day pop stars to recreate the iconic song. But while the sweary scruffbox's intentions are laudable Stephen Tudor thinks he may have missed a trick. Stick this supergroup of musical footballers into a room together and he'd have a number one for a decade...

Mario Balotelli
This version of the song begins with a slow piano intro, the video initially only showing a pair of hands tinkling the ivories. It slowly pulls back to reveal none other than Mario Liberace. Typically - and ruefully - the piano segment is later considered to be hopelessly out of tune with his band mates. 

Morten Gamst Pedersen
Every group charity single needs a boyband to get the pre-teen pocket money rolling in. As bizarre as it may seem the ex-Blackburn flyer was once a smash hit in his native Norway in a boyband called 'The Players'. Looking back the hair gives it all away and Morten gets the song off to a pitch-perfect start by crooning out the opening lines all doleful eyes and sparkly teeth.

Petr Cech
From between the sticks to holding them Chelsea's formidable stopper was once tutored by Queen drummer Roger Taylor and likes nothing better in his spare time than banging out rock anthems. He's had plenty of spare time lately so it's fair to assume he's now almost a pro. 

Royston Drenthe
There's not many players who can genuinely claim to have a rap following. Yet back home in Holland the Sheffield Wednesday schemer is respected as much for his r&b leanings as for his football diving. Alas Royston messes up his couplet by flowing with "Throw your arms to the ground at Christmas time". Regrettable. 

Tomas Rosicky
According to legend the beautifully coiffured Czech became accomplished on the axe after a long injury lay-off left him twiddling his thumbs. A similar tale is told of Noel Gallagher following a work injury back in Burnage. Only Noel later wrote Wonderwall while Tomas, well, didn't.

Alan Shearer
We've had the pop and r&b. Now its time to get down 'n' dirty with a true rock god; someone grizzled and leather-clad who can belt out his line from a throat raspy from 30 years of Bensons and booze. Step forward Wor Alan. Shearer is so pleased with nailing his part he whirls away in celebration and is last seen, one arm aloft, somewhere in St John's Wood. 

Nolberto Solano and Dion Dublin
Reprising their soulful duets at Aston Villa Dublin brings some sax appeal to proceedings while the Peruvian stirs the soul with some salsa-style trumpet. Recalling their days jamming together Solano recently said, "It was nice to mix the sounds of my trumpet with Dion's sax, but sadly he moved to Leicester City."

Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle
The 80s pop legends split after just the one hit single citing 'midfield differences' so it's a welcome reunion that prompts several tears shed in the studio. Not least at the bad mullets and woeful dad-dancing.

Leighton Baines
A successful charity single can't solely be filled with X-Factor pleasing mainstream acts. The original Band Aid had Weller scowling in the background, looking suitably out of place among the Spandau Ballet boys. 

Here indie gig-going hipster Leighton Baines takes the role of cool outsider, moodily staring down Pedersen and trying to get his Half Man Half Biscuit t-shirt front and centre for the video. 

John Barnes
In 2004, to commemorate its 20th anniversary, a second Band Aid single was released, this time featuring additional lyrics from Dizzee Rascal. Dizzee may be good but we all know he's the rapping pretender to Barnsey's throne and we're treated here to a masterclass that takes us to the group chorus. Particularly pertinent is the Liverpool maestro's urging to give to charity at the right time.