Jamie Lynch's King George Preview: Who's passing the post?

Santa is missing a few letters thanks to Jamie

Sometimes letters don't end up at the intended destination, as Jamie Lynch fortunately found out in his ante-post preview of the big race over Christmas...

The joke goes that there are two questions in a Canadian citizenship test. Question 1: Do you want to live in Canada? Question 2: Really? Every nation has its stereotypical cross to bear - fast food in America, hard-drinking in England, hard-drinking in Ireland - and Canada's, unfairly and squarely, is being a bit boring. Not when it comes to Christmas, though. Some of the biggest and best Christmas controversies of recent times have emanated from Canada, a country that generally, and contentedly, keeps a low profile the rest of the year.

This Christmas, the police department in Abbotsford, once the gangster capital of Canada, has sent known criminals a personalised card which features a picture of Chief Constable Bob Rich, dressed up as a fully-armed Santa Claus, complete with flak jacket and assault rifle, with the greeting 'Which list will you be on next year?' It's rich that Rich said they 'wanted to stay true to the spirit of the holidays.' 

Also this year, in Ottowa, there were distraught children and outraged parents when, in an outburst of honesty, later described as a 'travesty', a supply teacher, after reading a Christmas story to the class, concluded with words to the effect of '...and by the way, Santa doesn't even exist.' 

But, Scroogiest of all, back in 2007, again in Ottowa, Canada Post had to shut down its entire 'Write To Santa' program on discovering that some eye-opening and eye-watering postscripts were being added to the standard replies. The mischievous worker, or 'rogue elf' as he (1.03) or she (34) was referred, caused upset to dozens, including Ms. da Costa, who fortunately opened the letter before her son, Colton, had the chance to read the troll's estimations of what his mom might partake in of a night time. Now that really is a heinous crime: imagine naming a child Colton. It's up there with the 'Just thought we'd get in early b4 the networks go down' Happy New Year text at about 1.30pm on the 31st. 

Such is the world that you can now text, e-mail and even, for a fee, skype Father Christmas, but a good, old-fashioned letter is the true tradition, and writing to Santa can be a cathartic experience for an adult as much as an enjoyable one for kids, so Graham Stainer - Jeremy Kyle's pseudo-shrink sidekick - tells us. Anyway, the worthwhile news is that I've managed to intercept some of the Santa-bound letters sent by various participants in the King George field, and a few more besides...

Dear Santa,
I haven't been quite so good this year as last, but I'm still better than most. People keep telling me I should ask for a new jockey for Christmas, but what I want most is probably a job for Stainer rather than you, to do with my psyche, as I just don't love it like I once did. If the present has to be something material, then make mine a hot toddy or, better still, a flaming sambuca, as I just need a bit of fire in my belly, otherwise it might be another underwhelming Boxing Day.
Long Run, sombre, Lambourn

Dear Santa,
What I want this Christmas is for Flemenstar to stop winning. Not at my age, not with my back.  
Mrs Casey, Co Meath 

Dear Punters,
Maybe if you've got to have a lay
I don't think I can take the strain
I won't stay on Boxing Day.
Oh don't run me on ground like this
Three miles - please don't take the p*ss
I'll have to stay another day...(when conditions are less testing). 
Cue Card, not looking forward to Christmas, Wincanton

Dear Santa, 
All I want is my entry fee back. Someone pressed the wrong button by mistake; I was supposed to be going for the Bathwick Tyres Cup at Wincanton. 
Junior, Nicholashayne

Dear Santa,
Armbands please. I looked good in shallower waters last time but am out of my depth here. 
Kauto Stone, Ditcheat
Captain Chris, Minehead

Listen Santa,
All options are open. The lads will make a decision, d'ya understand?
Aidan, Tipperary

Dear Santa,
This year I want for nothing. I have everything. I'm fresh, which suits me best; I'm at Kempton, where I've won four times; I'm a different horse now - and so is Long Run - from when he beat me 12 lengths (with Kauto adrift in third) in this two years ago; and I've got the best jumps jockey, and the highest-profile owner (sorry Clive and Knotty), in the business. Everybody knows that preparation is the key to a successful Christmas, and mine has been meticulous, planned a long time in advance.
Riverside Theatre, up for it, Upper Lambourn

Dear Santa, 
I initially wrote down stuff like polos and haynets, but I've decided that what I need most, especially in my line of work, is the ability to breathe, so if you could just sort that out then I can get back to being a racehorse.   
Grands Crus, Nicholashayne

Dear Santa, 
Try to imagine a horse that's not at home
Try to imagine a Christmas all alone
That's where I'll be, damn you Smithy 
My tears could melt the snow
Who can I hack? Please come back
I've got no horse, no horse to hold
It'll be lonely this Christmas
Without you Kauto
It'll be lonely this Christmas
Lonely and cold
It'll be cold, so cold, without you Kauto
This Christmas.
Clifford, Ditcheat

To recap then, my King George thoughts, amidst all the nonsense, are that Long Run hasn't got the appetite he used to have; that the trip on the ground is a big concern for Cue Card, bigger than many people seem to think; that Kauto Stone and Captain Chris aren't good enough, nor are most of the rest for that matter; that Grands Crus can't be backed until showing he's over his problems; and that Riverside Theatre, with so much in his favour, is a huge gift just waiting to be unwrapped. 

Happy New Year! (Thought I'd get in before the professional getter-inners).

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